THE ‘NOT SAD’ STORY ;)
‘Swish, swish, swish.’, I just did a shake it off dance because what I’m writing now is what I’d been trying to decipher for quite a while now.
Ever felt numb? Not the sad kinda numb or the empty emotionally drained kinda numb. Have you ever felt so completely at peace kinda numb? Or is it just me feeling it?
Neither was I doing pranayama nor was I high on weed :P, it’s just this laid back, ‘life is chill’, ‘diggi-diggi-up-up-eyy’ feeling.
Not hyper-euphoric; not howling and wailing either. Ah! IT’s the no drama kinda numb. You might wonder what’s going on and what brought me here.
Pain brought me here. (Am I crying now? Hell Nah! There’s aaluma-doluma running in the background :p)
Pain, anger, expectations, holding on, breaking down, ADJUSTING. Right, in other words, PUTTING UP WITH BULLSHIT.
A lot of us do this, don’t we? And what happens when we put up with the bullshit? Do we receive the Padma-Bhooshan award? Am I making fun of our feelings here? Read on to find out.
Prioritizing others* more than yourself = giving them a free ticket to walk over you.
*(with the exception of those who really love you)
Sometimes you become a puppet even without your knowledge, or worse, a monitored robot. You give people the authority to say what you should do and what you shouldn’t when you make them your first priority. It doesn’t stop there, they change even you without your consent.
There is change, and then there is exchange. Change is when you alter yourself, but exchange? Exchange is when you altogether kill the very being of YOU.
Phase 1: Losing your identity
You don’t become a clone, you become a stranger to yourself. You’ve succumbed to modification and alteration like no wait, let me be more precise, you would be CUSTOMIZED according to opinions, needs, and options. And perks for them? There is a life-long guarantee. (or so they think)
Phase 2: Recognizing yourself? Option unavailable.
You become someone else, and then what happens? You are offered or rather thrust with very few chances to be ‘accepted’. You’re always scared because one wrong move and you’re kicked out from the person’s life. It begins with voicing out your opinions, they’re cut short even before you start speaking. During fights, you’re muted. ‘Chup-chaap’, its an unsaid order. Neither do you get to agree nor do you get to disagree. You’re only left with one chance — Nod.
In the desperate need to hold on to the person, you fear making the wrong move. But deep within, all you think is right buries itself, because you never got to notice your emotions, because you ‘shushed’ them yourself and you kept shushing them over and over and over again. Kudos! You’re just left with white-noise in a world of chaos.
Phase 3: The bottling in starts and the boiling begins.
Imagine a pressure cooker, what happens when you switch it on and go about vacationing? You come back to a disaster. You'd have to repaint the whole kitchen coz of the decayed dhal.
Decayed dhal = toxic tears
Why has God given us all tear glands? And what happens when you are NOT ABLE To cry? Ever been there? You know you’re being tortured, there’s so much tormenting happening within but you’re just not ABLE To cry.
CLEAR SIGN OF DANGER. RUN! RUN FOR LIFE.
There toxic pressure building in you, because you’ve long-lost yourself because you’ve lost your voice, you’ve put in garbage your opinions and accepted what’s told to you. You become an imprisoned chained puppy and highlight? You can feel the handcuffs but are still doing NOTHING about it because you’re scared. Scared of being left alone. And when you realize how MUCH Of damage all that’s created in you, it's too late coz you’re already broken.
Phase 4: Say Tata, Bye-bye to your dreams.
Remember the young kid who was bubbling with aims? Wishes many and ambitions high? Well, look at the grown kid in the mirror, how does it feel to have your priorities changed?
‘ADJUSTMENTS’, the society calls it. And what exactly does it mean? Change the way you behave, throw away your real-self, nod while you know you’re not wrong, accept and agree with what's given to you, and don’t demand more. That’s an adjustment followed by several adjustments on the waiting list.
Fun fact? ALL OF THIS Happens because of someone making their wish-list come true by killing yours. You’re frequently edited and re-edited, and when it suits them just fine, you’re a piece of fiction. Hah! Sounds good?
You give them the power to make your choices, decisions, priorities — YOU GIVE THEM THE POWER TO DECIDE YOUR LIFE AND HOW YOU SHOULD LIVE IT.
When you’re emotionally battered from every angle, there is a threshold point to emotions, and one more blow and boom! You feel nothing. Nothing at all. NUMBNESS.
Pro-tip: Good! You’ve reached ashore. Life has given you yet another chance. The healing has begun. Hold on to the numbness!
You’d be wondering. ‘Why am I not able to feel anything?’, ‘Why are there no emotions?’ but guess what? This is the medicine, it’ll take something human out of you. Numb to hate and numb to love; numb to pain and numb to gain; numb to agony and numb to fear.
You’re numb to drama and isn’t this reason enough to smile?
It’s no easy process. I know. But hey, how’d you see the sunshine if you don’t get yourself out of your own dark pit. I know that the n number of self-help books didn’t help, the tears, the screams, nothing did. But for once, succumb to the numbness coz you’re gifted with a blank state and several high walls to guard your heart. Embrace it. It’s time to heal so you can start life afresh, but only this time, in YOUR OWN TERMS.
And that’s the numbness I’m in. AN I truly enjoy iit coz I’m drama-resistant. I know I’m healing and this time, I don’t want to monitor reactions.
Sometimes, no reaction is the best reaction :P
Psst, psst: You don’t always need a counterpart, god didn’t design you in pieces. Remember that you’re whole all by yourself. All the bahubali kinda motivating yourself can wait.
For now, just chill. You’ve had enough, so just sit back and relax. You’re still alive and breathing. And hey! Don’t put up with any more bullshit.
- Lots and lots of Love,
Aishwarya Rao
