Gone too soon

“Hell is empty, and all the devils are here.”, a saying goes. I look around in silence and wonder why I disgust the “devils” so much. What kind of a world do we live in? And why is life, as we call it, so unpredictable? A tear trickles down my face as I look at the photograph of a friend I lost a day back. Have you also lost someone to suicide? I hope you get to know who the devils are and what they are capable of as you read what follows.

I feel a heaviness growing inside of me, spreading its roots from my chest across all of my cells. I don’t understand anything, and I refuse to believe that she is gone, gone too soon. “She is gone,” I tell myself, “she is gone.” We say it’s only cowardice that leads to suicide. We say it’s a selfish decision, a momentary flare-up. We call it a thoughtless decision. But wait, do you think it is really thoughtless? Or do you think suicides are decisions made when life gets tough, when there’s no one to reach out to, or when you’re crying for help, and no one is really listening, decisions that keep getting firmer with each passing stage of trauma? Suicide is NOT a momentary decision.

Thud. She had fallen down with a LOUD thud, is what they said on a call. She had jumped from the 5th floor. I was able to hear people screaming in the background, and then, everything became a haze. I was able to “hear” but not listen to people talking about Lehari. I was only able to see hazy silhouettes around me because my stare was deep into thin air. I didn’t understand anything. Her death, the thought of which still makes me tremble, refused to sink into my consciousness. But wait, this is not about “me” or the ONE emotion I feel: hurt. This is about Lehari, the grip in her hug, the warmth in her laughter, the mischief in her eyes, and mainly, it’s about the void there is now, that she’s gone. She. Is. Gone.

Why?!

I recollect Leheri’s life in the past week, I don’t know the exact problem that led her to end her life, but I hope I find traces of it as I track incidences.

A week back, I saw her talking to her friend about how she hates people gossiping about her. Back then, I wondered why she let a little remark bother her so much. She seemed very disturbed. Now I realize that a small remark to me might be a huge blow to someone else.

A few days passed. I was at the tea shop where Leheri usually comes. She had this beautiful habit of hugging people tight when they least expected it. She’ll clutch onto you like a baby panda, and all you will be able to feel is pure affection. I ruffled her hair and asked her if all was well. She nodded, but an evident fade in her smile told me otherwise. “It’s just a headache,” she said. That is all that she said. And that was the last time we spoke. If only I’d known she was losing hope in life. Only if I’d known, I would’ve done ANYTHING to make her understand that she deserved to live a life she loves. Lehari, talking about you in the past tense hurts like a million thorns pricking my heart.

Bura Mat Maano, Holi Hai

Have you ever seen creeps who take advantage of women in the name of having fun during Holi? That’s what happened to Lehari. She had been complaining about a few guys applying colors to her face without her consent. It might not seem like a big deal to some of us. But think about it from a person contemplating death, won’t she be hating people? Won’t she be fretting a stranger’s touch? Won’t she be feeling preyed on when people tower over her in the name of fun?

Privacy has become very underrated. What might seem a casual gesture to you might seem offensively disturbing to someone else. Privacy, only if people had respected her privacy.

Speaking of which, a question hits hard: If people hadn’t respected her physical boundaries, how damaged had her emotional boundaries been?

From Leheri’s view, life’s problems seem to have been snowballing from the time people started making fun of her “temper tantrums,” as they called them.

The Chinese whisper

I think human beings, at times, are disgusting, spiteful, wicked, horrible creatures on Earth. This is not about everyone; if what you read made you relate to certain people and their actions, this is about them. Gossip. SO MUCH GOSSIP. Lehari was surrounded by gossip. It started with “Lehari likes a boy,” which became “She is chasing him”, which became “She is trying to woo him.” One lie after another, taking uglier forms as it passed on from one person to another, would have formed a strangling web around her, cutting through her insecurities and exposing her vulnerability. Do you know how it feels when you hear someone you like talk nonsense about you? It feels like you’re being stripped naked in broad daylight. Need I say more?

Bread crumbs

I hate that one of the last memories of Lehari was when I saw her yearning for affection. Sometimes, you just know it when people crave care. I’ve been there, so I know. When you are desperate for love, you sometimes let go of all your ego to just be with someone you “hope” will like you back. Lehari longed for care too. Like a lost puppy, she was searching for it in the wrong places. A lot of us are quick to call people “hopeless romantics.” Very VERY little do we know that they are losing hope in love itself when they feed on mere breadcrumbs — the bare minimum acknowledgment they get in return for being selflessly kind. I should’ve told Lehari that she deserves to be valued way more than anyone else. Because when she kept waiting for her emotions to be acknowledged, she started losing her own sense of worth. Every rejection and every rebuke would’ve made her feel less of herself until she reduced herself to dust, literally.

Death and what follows

I can tell you with all certainty that hell is empty, and all the devils are here. It has not even been 10 hours since she died, the news that has started to spread across ranges from, “This was pre-planned.”, “She died right after being rejected for a date.” all the way to things of utter cheapness that I don’t want to share.

It is bewildering and downright disgusting that even after someone dies, the world only chooses to talk bad about them. No one cared to ask “how” she died. Were there blood clots? Brain hemorrhage? Multiple injuries? No one cared to know how she died. It was only the “why” they wanted to talk about.

I want to ask everyone who is talking about all that she “did” when she was alive. “So what?! So what if she’s done all the things you are weaving stories around? How does it matter now? She is dead, you idiot, she is dead. And nothing you say or do will make her come back to Earth. Stop mapping her actions when she was alive to the reason for her death. Keeping your toxic mouth shut is the least you can do to respect her death.”

Not one but a million reasons

The brightest smiles can conceal so many sorrows, and you will never know about them. We are too busy talking about how we “think” people are rather than asking them how they’re doing, aren’t we? When was the last time you cared to listen to someone who seemed upset? Or just sit beside someone who looked stressed out? Ask yourself: Is it adulting that changed you, or is it because you became too self-centric?

It’s a shame. It’s a shame that there were so many people around her, but no one cared to ask why she looked sad or why she started skipping meals. These were EVIDENT signs of sorrow. Yes, no one had a clue about her deciding to commit suicide, but how much is asking a mere “How are you?” going to cost? We failed, didn’t we? At this point, I can’t help but cry out loud. I say, “Sorry, Lehari, Sorry. You deserved a beautiful world, but over here, all of us have been devils to you.” If only we would’ve cared. If only.

A note to everyone who shed genuine tears for Lehari

Lehari passed away. Has it sunk into you yet? Not to me. It’s such a huge loss, isn’t it? It feels heavy. I wish I could wipe away your tears as you cry for her. It’s so depressing that she’s not around. And even more distressing that we can’t do anything to go back in time.

We’ve seen what happened after she left us. We’ve lost an angel. Looking around, it enrages me that there are people who only want to juice out content from this tragedy, only for their next chain of gossip. You see? That’s the world we live in.

There’s a saying that goes, “Your death happens to the people around you.” What if we decide to change it? Lehari’s was an unfortunate, sudden, tragic death. She has gone too soon. What if we continue to live life on behalf of her too? Thinking about her, I feel like she has been a ray of sunshine. What if we spread her warmth to the world around us? Be a little more kinder, softer? A bit more genuine and understanding?

If we had just been there for her when she needed us the most, we wouldn’t have been crying now. If you had a chance to bring Lehari back, you’d do ANYTHING in the world to do it, won’t you? You and I now have a chance to make a change in the lives of so many other Leharis around us. Kindness is all it takes.

Let’s keep her in our hearts and be kind to everyone. Let’s be the reason why people believe in the goodness of humanity, I think that’s the tribute we can give to Lehari. May her legacy continue to live in our joys.

– Aishwarya Rao